i havent been here for quite some time and i guess it's because i was finally content with how life was or were. it is sad that this blog has now become such a sad and lonely place left for me and my sad memories to die.
why do i always come here when im sad? oh thats right, because i ran out of people to whine to. no im just kidding, i just felt like typing this here. ever felt like you can never be too happy because you're afraid that once you soak in that blissful happiness something is going to go very very wrong? it happens to me all the time and i dont know why, after awhile you just stop being genuinely happy. its like the more crap you go through, the more you want to be alone.
i think after being alone for so long i just realize how much i dont want to compete in this relationship battle. like how when you are with someone, and when your someone looks at someone else, you are like completely jealous and all you can do is sulk like a bitch. im sick and tired of this. yes i might probably feel jealous for abit then i think again, if he really wanted to leave, he could. the door is always open. i'll just remember you left me because of her. and when one fine day you try and come back, the door would have already been locked shut, key tossed at sea, dragged down by a cold hard rock.
i hate how we have to always compete for the best spot. because if you are his gf/ bf you are already guaranteed one, aint it? but i guess not. im sorry i'll never match up to her or im sorry you'll never trust me as much as her or the moon for that matter. i dont want to try to reach that level, i dont want to compete. you might probably say im giving up before even trying but i guess i have been through enough shit this year to realize that most things dont mean anything. i might never match up to her if i tried, and im fine with that.
i dont want to be the second best. i've let you in and now you're telling me that, arent you? well im done chasing endless roads. im sorry im not good enough, but then again, sorry not sorry.
after what i heard today i went back and felt exactly how i felt 7 years ago, stupid, cold, alone and lonely. i told myself i never wanted to feel that way again and this is me telling you now. you dont care enough to listen about my past nor do you care enough to taste your words before you spit them out. but i do want the truth and i got it crystal clear. i thank you for that, but i dont want this, nor do i need this. i think im better off alone, free and single.
