a new beginning

just wanted to say hi to y'all
haha ok i know i sounded damn retard for like the past few post but whatever.. im better now. serious. cos like i have finally decided that it is pointless going after something that doesnt belong to me anymore. ok whatever.

after what happened, i thought i would be like left alone and everything.. but then i found out how lucky i actually was before things happened and i just let that drift away from me. so i guess things happen for a reason. if not, i wouldnt know how caring those people were beside me all along. i love you girls + my bro + xuxu + everyone else. im so thankful for you all. i dont know where i'd be.. serious.

And i got a rose for valentines day. haha. ok actually i think i forced ryan to buy it for me but it really bought it on valentines day!! imagine how expensive roses are on valentines day and he actually bought me one. valentines day wasnt as boring as i thought it would be and im glad.

HI BRO
just wanted to dedicate this last part of the post to you. i know you are down and all now but i have been there before so just know that im here for you through it all. this is just a phrase in life that you have to pass and believe me you will emerge stronger than ever before. :) you will always be able to find someone better in the future.

ok pictures time




the girls <3










the lion

Days without Joseph #5&6

Didn't blog cos I think I have nothing more that I have to say. Life without him it's just like that. Theres nth I can do even if I wanted too. Guess that's the way love works.

I guess now its time to let go. If it come back it's yrs to keep. If it doesn't then I guess we were not meant to b after all.

If we were together it'll b our 9th math together.

Days without Joseph #4

I tell everyone I'm ok and now somehow I can manage a smile. I hope they believe tho cos I'm trying my best.

I wonder if you miss me and think about me but then I already know that you dont give a flying fuck about how I feel..

When yr not here I remember everything about how we used to be. How I first hated you. How you became my bestfriend. Dinners. Lunch. Racing to the swings. Walking in boxes. Talking about anything and everything under the sun... The very first time you held my hands.

So hard to forget. So easy to remember. I wish I could delete you from my life immediately. But I can't, so every step of forgetting hurts. Like walking on broken glass.

Days without Joseph #3

I guess now the pain is better to deal with after so long... I'm getting better without you day by day.

I'm so glad I managed to delete everything I could find about you.
I still cry but it's getting better.

After all I know that you don't like me.. So what's the point of being together. Hearing yr name from time to time still hurts but it's getting better.

Im getting better. All this is gonna make me stronger.. All I need right now is time.

Days without Joseph #2

I thought after I woke up.. That you'd be here and I'll be getting good morning textes from you.. But I woke up to nothing.

I really hoped you would reply me. Throughout the whole night I have been thinking about how you were going to reply and all and I just can't get back to sleep...

I tried to hate you. Like if I hated you about being a jerk about changing yr fb picture... About yr twitter bio.. About the part where you say girlfriend isn't everything. Looks like I didn't mean anything to you even before we broke up.. Like how you lied about putting sp choices first.. And how much you didn't want to fight to be with me before we broke up.

The day before our results were out I was half hoping that you would get into sp with me because then we wouldnt really be far apart with me moving and all.. All I wanted was to be with you. But hopes r for losers cos the other side didn't really want me.

Then I realized that there was no point driving myself to this insanity of hating you when all I could ever do is love you more.

I can't stop crying even after its been so long.. Everything reminds me of you. The stuffed bears that you gave me.. The picture of you on my wall.. Our photo album.. I want so much as to get rid of it but I can't bring myself to.. Like losing you wasnt bad enough already.

When Rebecca came to find me yesterday and tried all sorts to make me eat I just didn't feel like it.. I guess some people just deal with their pain by eating a lot... The opposite for me then.. I just don't eat. I haven't been doing that for the past day I'm sure I could survive another one.

I can't stand being alone... Becos then all I would ever think of is you.

And I wonder if you think about me too... But I saw you being so happy on Facebook with yr games and all. I guess I don't mean much after all.. I keep telling myself that if yr happy then it really must be the right decision for you. And that I don't really mind suffering just so as long as yr happy.

I'm sorry I couldn't do much for you. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better girl..

Days without Joseph #1

Today was an incredibly hard day for me to get through... I cried so hard when I saw the message. So hard hoping it will be a "no" I don't want to lose you.. But wishes don't come true.. So I got the total opposite. And tears just came running down..

Must have given Joshua a shock when I called crying so badly and hung up.. I called you... But you seemed so ok about it that it hurts so much for me..

I cried so much after you hanged up on me... And i really tried to hold it in. No idea how the tears found its way back when I went to work and everyone asked if I was ok... So hard to put up a strong front.. So hard to pull myself together when I feel so broken... And every time I was left alone I can't help but cry.. I didn't want to seem so weak but I can't stop.. I wished it would so cos it hurts so bad.

It's 12:21am now. Friday has finally arrived... I've looked forward to this day since the start of the week cos I missed you so much. All I wanted to do was run up and hug you for as long as I could... But this Friday is going to be such a nightmare for me...

All I want to do now is text you hey bby r we meeting tomorrow? Think about what movie to watch, what to eat, playing pool with you so that for the 8th time we play it you might actually win me. Then I realized.. No more meeting, no more texting no more movies no more pool..

I think about how you always came to pick me up at work then we would go for dinner after... How we always can't decide on what you eat and how you pissed off the chicken rice stall uncle in redhill.. How we said we would avoid eating thr until the uncle forgets us cos the chicken rice is so good... I think about how we raced to the swing every time we had the chance...
I Walked by the place you asked me to be yr girl. And I just died a little more inside... How I loved the bus rides cos then I'll be able to hold yr hand. .. How we see who walked faster in boxes.. And walking in boxes tgt...

I regretted deleting all yr messages cos all I wanna do right now is look back at what happened before we broke up... I'm so afraid to delete the pictures cos I'm so scared to lose that memory of you....

I love you. I'm sorry my love wasn't enough to make you stay.